One Day [Lovino's Recovery Journal] {{R15+}}

[Lovino Vargas]

 ((Note: This takes place after the fall of Wall Maria, Also Rating is for the amount of swearing that is involved in this journal. Also warnings for mental instability, talk of suicide and inability to deal with emotions))

Day 1
I'm not even going to put this nicely. I was told to do this. Write out how I was feeling as if this would help me feel better about what happened. You would have to be fucking thick in the head to believe that this could actually help. How do you even write how your feeling in words when there are no words that could even begin to describe your emptiness, your hollowness, your lack of care to even give a last fuck because you've lost everything that you could ever fucking care about. How the fuck am I supposed to do that? I can’t take a breath without my mind reminding me that while I'm here taking that fucking breath she can't. She can't because she's fucking dead. I don't even know how to cry anymore. I wish I could. Maybe even if it were just a tear at least I knew what it felt like to care again. I don't care whether it was sadness or real anger rather than the frustrated hollowness I feel inside. Why the fuck did it have to be her? Why not me too? I was so close, so fucking close. I couldn’t even save her. couldn't do it. I can never forget it… the blood is still there on the band. No matter how many times I sit outside by the sink and try to wash it out, the blood has stained it. Every time I glance at it the cold hollowness inside me just grows.

When I got back inside Wall Rose everyone treated me like a hero. Our group had managed to hold of the titans long enough for the Garrison to evacuate the public. Out of our whole group… I was the only one who survived… After they dug me out of the rubble… they had to drag me away… restrain me from throwing myself back into it to get her. Find her. Hold her once more in my fucking arms. I screamed so hard. But even then they wouldn’t let me near her. It was too dangerous. I screamed so hard and for so long I started to cough up blood. I don’t even know how the got me back. All I remember was being given a drink and told to rest.

Sleep seems to be the only escape I have… It’s the only time I can feel happy… even if its for a short time… I get to see her again. Flashes and moments… glimpses and fragments of old memories we shared together.

There... thats all I could fucking write… That’s all I could fucking say… I'm done. So done. With everything…

I've lost everything... My family… my love… my Rosa… I have nothing left to lose.

The time to choose the military Corp is coming soon… But I lost the will to even live. I want to die… but killing myself just seems to easy. I need to suffer. Feel the rush before the end.

I'm joining the Scouting Legion. I'm going to die with the wind in my back and wings of freedom to take me to her… I can't think of a better way to end it…

[Lovino Vargas]

Day 4
I smashed a glass today.
No this time it wasn't out of clumsiness I purposely picked up the glass and hurled it at the nearest fucking wall.

Nobody talks to me since the incident. One or two have come up to me with a look of pity in their eyes as they apologise. Do people feel as if that is what is going to make me feel better? A few half-hearted apologies aren't going to make me any better, nothing will! I've never heard something so fucking stupid. How can you even think that when you couldn't know the fucking half of it. I'm sick of everything. I hate feeling so cut off and isolated but at the same time I want everything to just fucking burn to the ground.

But that wasn't solely the reason as to why I threw the glass.

I threw the glass because of the ear bashing stupidity and arrogance around me and suffocating me. Today we had to choose the Corps we would be joining and I, as to my word, joined the suicidal Scouting legion.

As a child I remembered watching the scouting legion return from an unsuccessful mission, their faces upset and numbers dropped dramatically. I thought only the stupid or the desperate would join. I guess I am both at the moment. But more so desperate. Desperate to forget the mess I made and the pain I feel. Desperate to feel something other than the heaviness in my stomach. I can't imagine what would make me feel more alive than the moments before death. And then I would welcome the death. I needed something to end this.. Something fast, no mercy. Crushed and then death. Blindness, deafness, darkness I would welcome it all like an old friend.

But why did so many stupid people have to be suicidal too?

Two young bastards that I didn't have the pleasure of meeting before hand were talking loudly, as if everyone needed to know their fucking business. As far as I'm concerned they needed to shut up.
They talked of the awesomeness of a soldier who's name seems familiar. I don’t really know. Perhaps I heard it from some one else. But they were talking about this guy and gloating about how many titans he could kill in one go.
No one gives a fuck.
Then they started to talk about how heroic it was to kill titans and blah blah blah.
I had enough. I looked at them and told them with hot annoyance in my eyes.
"No body gives a fucking shit about your heroics. People die and soon you will be one of them and forgotten. Good people always die. No matter how good they are, You think you're so special shit? No, No one is special. We are all in equal in that we'll all fucking die."

I thought that would be the last I would hear of them. I though that would shut them up for good. Apparently not. One of the shits then turned to me and told me.

"Just because you couldn't save you're girlfriend doesn't mean that its okay to take it out on anyone else."

I saw white.

I forgot how to breath when I lunged for the glass and threw it. I couldn't feel my hands and my feet, my heart ached and my stomach felt so heavy. I felt numb and in pain.

When the glass shattered against the wall the whole room went quiet. Everyone stared at me. And I wanted to die. Right there, right then. I ran from the room before I could cry.

I thought pain was supposed to be easier to deal with over time…

[Bryanoriew]

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